out of the blue

i can’t be anonymous. i am anxious to be noticed, to be taken seriously, to be counted.

i can’t be insignificant.  i have to offer what I know, i have to contribute. i don’t want to leave having not made a difference.

i am not content.  i am inspired by too many things, too many people, by what i haven’t yet imagined.

i feel inadequate. i feel overwhelmed. i feel simple, unoriginal, insecure and insincere.

i have ideas, thoughts, visions that i can feel, that i can almost touch. at the tip of my tongue, at the top of my head, at the front of my brain. but i can’t reach them. i don’t know how to get to them, i can't seem to let them out, to release them.

i want to accept that who i am is who i am, that what i do is what i do, that what i do is who i am.

i feel that i have lived half my life and i am just beginning.

i know there isn't a guide book, but there must be a path?

Comments

[Cristina]

it sounds like your well on your way on the creative path & artistic realizations. it's a growing pain, I think, & something that you share with a lot of the fellow artists & crafts-people that visit your blog, including myself.

[Blaize]

In my dreams, asleep, I compose the most beautiful music, but I am not a composer, so awake I cannot transcribe them. In my dreams, asleep, I dream the most complex and amazing stories, but the dreamworld is too far away from narrative language for me, awake, to write them down. In my dreams, asleep, I can fly; awake I cannot fly.

The inside of my head, the reality inside my head, is not the same as the consensual reality I share with other people, the ones outside of my head. So, I lead two lives: one in which I dream, and one in which I act. In each I am capable of things I am not capable of in the other (I cannot really help a friend by just thinking about it). My worlds are not the same, and it often frustrates me, because I can't translate between them. My worlds are not the same, and yet I like them both.

[Ali]

I hear you. Sometimes, I think life would be much improved if adults were allowed to have tantrums - just to clear the air and start again. Sometimes the pressure inside my head gets too much too.

Stamp your feet and then just take a path, any path and see where you get.

[tut-tut]

I know how you feel; I'm often afraid to start for fear of failure.

You are so talented, though; you can push through these doubts, Steph!! Onward! Push through the brambles and you'll get through.

[Stefani]

Touching, and oddly familiar. Here's to finding your path!

[Stacia]

You sound like a hero. Probably not what you had in mind when writing it, but that's exactly what I thought when reading it. Even the negatives you listed are attributes for history making women. Keep blazing.

[Gwen]

I am so with you. I think everyone feels this way. I just hope my path is windy with lot bends in the roads. I do like a windy path.

[Michelle]

Maybe you need to travel, preferably where they speak another language. That always rearranges my head a little. I think Bethany is going to have a blogger's brunch this summer...San Lorenzo Valley isn't France, but it is different. You might try a daily writing exercise, like in the Artist's Way (I think that was the book). Or, make one of those artistic journal thingies. Try to be free, allow yourself to not think while doing it. Maybe another class? Maybe a couple classes. Fill yourself up with new information, textures, colors. Have you been to a big museum lately? I've heard LSD works wonders. ;)

We think you are great, Steph.

M

[Sonya]

Ugh. I hate hitting the wall. I know those days only too well and it sucks. When everything I'm working on seems to be going wrong and then the questioning sets in. I try and insulate myself and blogging sure has helped - being around all you like minded sorts. I agree with Michelle. Come on down to Cali. Hey, if you can stand children underfoot, you have a place to stay in SF.

[Tricia]

Oh Wow!!! We must be twins!! i feel exactly as you do....i know i have great potential but i'm having trouble realizing it. It seems life is passing by and i'm not living up to my dreams, hopes, ambitions and don't know how to grasp it. Nice to know i'm not alone.

[ambika]

What Ali said about tantrums? That is how I've felt all week. Haven't had time to create, and when I do, I'm suddenly uninspired. I'm daunted by the projects I have in mind, but can't see where to start them. Even the feeling itself is hard to articulate and encompasses so many things. But man, you are not alone.

[Alex]

I feel the urge of taking a deep breath on your behalf...
In situations like this I try to not think at all, just play around, do, what pleases me most. Let happen instead of make happen. Whatever, just try not to lead things in any direction.

Steph, you are truly marvellous, don't you ever doubt that!

[bitter Betty]

The discomfort of an ambition. To be better. To be seen as good how you are now. By Yourself. By Others. To create out loud where others can see you. The self conciousness of all creating. The double edged sword of self expression. It is why I blog and why it seems like a crazy thing to do.

For what it is worth: You inspire me. I admire the things you share. I am glad you are who you are!

[charlotte]

I am with you. when these thoughts hit me, I start sewing. any project will do. the sound of the machine is my mantra.

[charlotte]

I am with you. when these thoughts hit me, I start sewing. any project will do. the sound of the machine is my mantra.

[jude]

all i can say is..."what if?..." it helped a lot.

[Catherine]

Hey you! A balm of a book: The Alchemist, by Paul Coehlo. It's brief and sweet-if you can, read it and for what it's worth I agree with the end of the note from Betty. Keep on doing.

[Catherine]

Coelho. I spelled it wrong. Oops.

[leslie]

i have felt so exactly that many, many times and would have to say i feel one or two of them pretty much constantly. thank you for taking the chance to let it all out.

[Rose]

Maybe it's in the air here. I haven't felt right for weeks (thus the lack of posts). Take care, this WILL pass - I just hope it's soon!

[funny laurie]

Hey girl- quiet contentment rarely gives birth to genius. You are productive, thoughtful and completely sane. I'm sorry you feel tormented, and I know it's miserable. You have a rich community here, and we believe in you. xoxox

[cruststation]

Such beautiful writing Steph. I believe you inspire others in so many ways, you just have to believe in yourself and your abilities. Taking a step back or take a trip/walk can also help.

[oldround]

I thought it was all positive. I confess I am a skimmer. Then I read the comments and went back and saw line 4. Still, think of that old acting saw, about how if you're not nervous you should have stayed at home. Thank goodness you are all of those things because you make incredible things and you'd be insufferable otherwise ; )

[Paula]

How were you able to reach inside my brain and pull this out? How did you know ????????????????????

Follow your heart.

[futuregirl]

>> i know there isn't a guide book, but there must be a path?

If there is, I'm not sure I've found it. I sense it sometimes, but I can't tell you where it is or how to get there ... or even how to stay on it. Things that help me when I'm in a vortex like you are describing are: meditation (secular Buddhism a la Stephen Batchelor), crying, getting mad, reading philosophy like this, whole bags of cookies (usually Pepperidge Farms), making a bunch of crappy things that I throw away, taking long walks, going to see a movie alone, sleeping all day, or just moping around until it passes.

I always want to define myself and then move from that grounded place. But you can't define yourself. Living is a constant series of choices and reinventions. It all starts adding up and it equals YOU. That's hard for me to get a handle on sometimes. I want order, simplicity, manageability, and comfort. In short, I have ridiculous expectations.

Sometimes when a dark mood grabs me, if I'm feeling particularly brave or reckless, I stand up and rush right into it screaming - like running over a cliff. It's strange and weird to not resist the darkness, but it can be kind of fun in it's own way. There is a lyric we repeat around here a lot, "If you're trouble, I'll follow you down." And hey, why not.

Everything will still be here when you come back up. :)