out of the blue

i can’t be anonymous. i am anxious to be noticed, to be taken seriously, to be counted.

i can’t be insignificant.  i have to offer what I know, i have to contribute. i don’t want to leave having not made a difference.

i am not content.  i am inspired by too many things, too many people, by what i haven’t yet imagined.

i feel inadequate. i feel overwhelmed. i feel simple, unoriginal, insecure and insincere.

i have ideas, thoughts, visions that i can feel, that i can almost touch. at the tip of my tongue, at the top of my head, at the front of my brain. but i can’t reach them. i don’t know how to get to them, i can't seem to let them out, to release them.

i want to accept that who i am is who i am, that what i do is what i do, that what i do is who i am.

i feel that i have lived half my life and i am just beginning.

i know there isn't a guide book, but there must be a path?

Comments

[Michelle]

Alice writes wonderful comments, no?

[julie]

oh steph, everyone feels like this at some point or other - its part of the journey on THE path but you are an artist and must always follow your heart...trust yourself and your instincts...and you will be just FINE xxxxx love you...

[Leah Adams]

You have a lot of kindred spirits reading your blog. Don't stop! I've been having a lot of those feelings too, and hesitated to write them down because I didn't think they "fit". I'm so glad you did. I've had this browser window open for two days because I wanted to read each comment individually. Yesterday, I heard an interview on KUOW with Armistead Maupin that really struck a chord. He basically said don't do anything you wouldn't want people to know about, and if you aren't embarrassing yourself in your writing, it isn't worth reading. He was encouraging people to step out of their comfort zones because someone else is feeling the same way, but doesn't have the platform for expressing themselves the way a writer does. It was an inspiring interview.

As for your originality, I think Marcella is the most beautiful, utterly unique creature I have ever seen. Truly. There is nothing else like her and I just adore her features and character.

[katie]

gosh - you summed me up there - i had to check that I wasn't reading my own blog - but of course i wasn't as i am never that open and honest - and so i thank you for that - and yes - there is a path - you are on it. 'there is no way to happiness - happiness is the way' (some ancient Buddhist thing... well - I'm lost for more words really

[Britt-Arnhild]

Beautifully written. These thoughts could are also mine.....

[shiso mama]

i think it can be incredibly challenging at times to read about other people's well-edited online lives and still feel accomplished about what we do. some days i think it was easier before i discovered this online community and realized that i was not as original/productive/creative as i thought i was, but of course my online friends have given me so much. for what it's worth, i always feel inspired by what i see on your blog. in fact, you're one of the people whose careful construction and originality of thought often makes me feel insecure myself!

[kristin]

out of every funk the sun seems to shine a little brighter. like spring after a harsh winter. (but sometimes i just like to scream "FUCK FUCK FUCK" as loud as i can and that seems to help too).

[Tina]

Linking to this.

[Suzanne]

As a technical writer (but designer at heart) I love your comment "I know there's not a manual, but there must be a path." May I quote it?