yesterday i was all set to spend money, from the sale of a doll on etsy, on golf lessons. i really really really want to play better. and it seems just hoping for that to happen, rather than practicing to make it happen, doesn't work. sister s bought me wine and dinner last night for my birthday and of course we were talking about playing next sunday. i kept saying that i had to get lessons, i need lessons, i don't know what the hell is wrong - i must have lessons! she told me to quit it, that i didn't need lessons, i needed confidence and that i would work it out - it being the crazy crap i have been doing on the golf course. so i woke this morning thinking, it is cool and nice out, i have time, so i will go to the driving range and work it out...
three buckets later and a couple of blisters - from the number of balls i hit, NOT because i was holding the clubs too tightly... ha - i think i might have worked some of my issues through and i hope to report on sunday evening that i had a great round of golf and managed to hold it together for 18 holes.... that would be my hope.
there was a beginning golf class for kids that started at the same time i got to the range. it looked like it was for kids from 5 to 10 years old. i had fun watching them hit and learn and talk - and talk and talk... one little girl lost her water bottle and asked me if i had seen it... i think because i was the only woman hitting she felt ok coming up to me... of course i hadn't. there was another girl, probably 10 or so that came several minutes late - i think because of her father, since he looked a bit harried and was sighing when they walked by. she was older than any of the other girls and kept herself in the background and at the mat farthest from the instructor. i don't know if that is her normal personality, to hang back, or if she felt she already had singled herself out enough by arriving late. regardless, i wanted to go up to her and say hi, to tell her i was watching and i was impressed with how many times she connected with the ball, and how impressed i was to watch her take her time and think about what she was doing.
i know that holding back well. i do it all the time, always have. and i have found over and over again, that i am just a tiny bit bitter and resentful when i don't get the instruction, or attention or what ever, that i might have if i had been in the thick of things rather than on the fringes. i wanted to tell her that at the next lesson she should muscle up next to the boys her own age and listen when the instructor is talking to them about the game, to believe that she is just as good as those boys, that she has nothing to be afraid of. but i didn't - because there didn't seem to be the opportunity - and i was also a tiny bit certain that it really wasn't my place.
i hope that she learns the lesson of confidence sooner than i did. and if she doesn't continue with golf then i hope she practices it in math class, or on the playground or any number of places that she will be in her life.
see, just as i suspected, golf, it's a metaphor for life.
and, thank you EVERYONE for all the lovely birthday wishes - it was vey nice having all that attention and happiness sent my way.